“Unlike the Brits, we are not burdened by centuries of precedent or culture with these people.”
I hate people calling the Kardashians “America’s Royal Family.”
Over the past few months, as Kate Middleton’s whereabouts became an international concern (and the jokes aged worse than, well, the institution of monarchy), a simple comparison was bandied about, usually by people explaining the Windsors to those who might not frequent People.com: that King Charles, Prince William and Co. are to England as the Kardashians are to America - omnipresent, divisive, symbolic. They have their royal family, we have ours.
This comparison makes some sense. Both the British royals and the Kardashians are now synonymous with intense fame, extreme wealth, and distillations of national character (hidebound, colonialist, clenched; shameless, capitalist, tacky). Both transcend the bounds of human scale and pop culture as hyperobjects — they’re more of an idea, plus our love-hate feelings about those ideas, than they are people. (And both give off a kind of sexlessness, no?) Masters maybe not of the universe, but definitely of name recognition, who are largely expected to blatantly and frequently lie about themselves with little consequence beyond snarky posts and ignored comments. I actively want to know less about both families than I already do, and what I do know is 50% against my will.
Look, the Kardashians are as American as apple pie and unrepresentative democracy. But please, and I say this with as little respect for the monarchy as possible: do not bring that family into this.
The Kardashians have, for nearly two decades, clawed at “real” prestige, and they have mostly attained it through sheer persistence and market force of fame. But we simply cannot, in the age of Beyoncé, give in and actually declare them to be our royal family. Why has everyone already surrendered? We have some goddamn American agency here! This is what the Pilgrims white-knuckled months of seasickness for! Look, do I see Kris’s game? Begrudgingly. Do I respect this family’s collective fame and wealth? Ehhh. Have I sunk untold hours of my one short and precious life into Reddit threads on each sister’s plastic surgery journeys? Of course! (Kylie should’ve stopped in 2021, Kendall’s work is more sly but still traceable, and Khloe’s denials are, frankly, insulting to eyesight. There should be a rule that celebrities who primarily derive their clout from the performance of a heightened, invented beauty standard should have to disclose which procedures they have undergone, and at what price. That is a Kardashian Kontract that I would respect!)
Lest everyone on this continent has forgotten, unlike the Brits, we are not burdened by centuries of precedent or culture with these people. We were not born with them; they (specifically, Kris) made themselves, and we continue – senselessly, heedlessly — to pay attention. We could just stop! We could call out Kim’s reputation laundering of Ivanka Trump for the evil that it is and move on. We are not beholden! America fought a war over the right to waste our brain cells obsessing over which rich and powerful airheads we want to rule us, and yet here we are, settling for the tyranny of a cheap dupe.
—Jack E. Kennedy
i fear i may be obsessed with Hate Read
Clenched 😭😭🤣 and sexlessnesss yes… as an absence of any traits that could create desire or stimulate life 🗿