the unsung heroes who've read all our bullshit

When your literal job entails reading the bullshit that crazy teens and 20-somethings come up with and pass off as “writing” on the reg, it’s easy to imagine you’d lose a little patience. Yet, college/higher ed admissions officers do it year after year—making them truly unsung heroes of stomaching LinkedIn post levels of prose/arrogance.

Which is why I am L I V I N G for the most delicious, full-on savery that’s lowkey dripping all over the John Hopkins University’s personal essay writing tips page (it’s been one of those internet rabbithole days, okay). Scroll straight down to “themes to avoid.” Maaan, someone has 10000% had it with this “I was born to be a doctor” fuckery.

A few highlights* – and words of wisdom, tbh, even for those of us with non-doctor aspirations:

• “‘I know what it is like to be a physician…’ No, you do not.”

• “Of course you are special. But claiming ‘you probably do not see many applicants like me’ is not only arrogant but is also likely untrue.”

• “Victims are never attractive candidates.”

• “Claiming that you plan to cure cancer (or HIV, or healthcare disparities, or anything else) shows a grave lack of understanding of whatever problem you are planning to solve.”

There is a 99% chance this is less funny to someone who hasn’t been running a debatably shady side hustle tutoring high schoolers how to write a Common App essay,** so will acknowledge here that the mental image of a fed-the-fuck-up admissions officer blogging cathartically may not do it for everyone.

*I feel like these would also work as retorts on a bad Tinder convo.

**Please DM for inquiries; I accept PayPal. All the Chinese moms love Paypal.

Like Deez Links? Forward to the doctor friend you're hoping will come through w/some free healthcare one day.